It is very common amongst couples to disagree on the frequency of sex in their relationship. This is because stereotypically, one partner wants it more, and the other wants it less. However, finding a balance is key in resolving such disputes.
“In about 20 percent of the couples I see in my practice, the women want sex more than their guy. Often, one partner, or both, will try to use a statistic about ‘what is normal’ to bolster their individual argument — they think that having a choir of like-minded people behind them can sway their partner to their way of thinking,” says Laurie Watson, an AASECT certified sex therapist and the podcast host of FOREPLAY – Radio Sex Therapy.
“But this approach does little to resolve the dispute — whatever is considered “normal” doesn’t really matter if it doesn’t work for you.”
Additionally, disputes over the amount of times to have sex can lead to one partner feeling neglected and abandoned.
“What’s more common, unfortunately, is that each partner sees themselves as having the primary pain: One person struggles with feeling unfulfilled, rejected, and resentful. The other person struggles with feeling abandoned, judged, and resentful,” says certified sex therapist and licensed psychotherapist, Marty Klein, Ph.D.
However, here are few professional tips on how to navigate the trick question of “how often are we going to have sex?”
1. Never make sex conditional
For many couples, they feel they cannot provide their partners sexual needs until their own conditions are met.
“For instance, women will say, ‘I need you to talk to me, so I feel like having sex.’ He’ll respond, ‘Have sex with me, so I can feel safe about talking to you.’,” said Watson.
“Or a low-desire male might say, ‘I would want to have sex if only you weren’t angry all the time.’ She replies, ‘I’m angry, because we never have sex.’”
However, each partner would continue to suffer lack if they’re not willing to ‘go first’. Therefore, it is important to never place conditions on sex.
2. Continuously work to keep your relationship sexual
Without sex, your marriage or couple partnership is no different from a regular friendship. Therefore, once the sexual excitement is absent, your commitment towards each other is bound to grow weaker.
“Sex eases the natural grind of daily living together and adds warmth that helps you forgive inevitable slights. Sex is an evolving aspect of the relationship, and it can take considerable effort to keep it good — but it’s worth the effort,” noted Watson.
Also, never be afraid to explore your sexual fantasies together—especially when you can easily visit voyeur house and explore your healthy sexual fantasies with fellow consenting adults.
3. Don’t trade sex for favours
A lot of couples are fond of trading their intimate life for a list of duties, however this makes it similar to placing a condition or requiring some sort of payment for sex.
“Bartering for sexual favors by agreeing to accompany her to the ballet or take out the garbage will eventually feel like payment instead of mutual desire,” said Watson.
“Or giving him oral sex in exchange for anything won’t be sexy. Instead, make sure that the workload of financial responsibility, child care, and household duties is fairly shared.”
4. Understand the sexual economics of supply and demand
Getting to know when and when not to demand for sex is very important in a relationship, as both partners may have different sexual desires.
Therefore, for those with high sexual desires, “ask for sex only when you feel desire, not because you think you need to keep asking to get to a yes.”
“On the other hand, lower-desire partners should initiate occasionally in order to indicate interest and attraction, as well as to relieve their partner’s anxious feelings over getting enough,” Watson said.
5. Never rely on averaging sexual frequency
There are lots of situations where one partner wants sex more often than the other. However, most couples resolve this problem by taking an average and while this might seem like a brilliant idea, it often leaves one partner starved and the other overwhelmed.
Therefore, the best way to resolve differences in sexual frequency is having a deep conversation with each other about sex.
“Open discussions about how each partner feels about sex, what it means, and how they like it provides a deeper understanding and better agreement, with both people feeling content. Vulnerability is the antidote to sexual power struggles,” says Watson.
